'We found this on the web and although it's a little odd, we think it's very funny - for those of you who don't understand, a weiner is a hot dog - and the whole thing is about you and me. . .'

- Kit

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well-groomed, nicely-dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars. If you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What??? Is this some sort of shake-down?"

John: "NO! Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank OWNS this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't ... unless you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but ..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, we do it regularly."

Me: "And has he given YOU a million dollars?"

John: "Well, no. You don't actually get the money until you ... leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to. If you leave early, you don't get the money, and Hank kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who has kissed Hank's ass, left town, and gotten the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Oh, no. Hank doesn't allow that."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money, if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto ... maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What does that have to do with Hank?"

John: "Uh ... Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like a con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars! Can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him ...."

Mary: "Nobody sees Hank. Nobody talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss and THINK of Hank's ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a 'Hank' — that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass — and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

FROM THE DESK OF KARL:

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked, we'd find that this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course! Hank dictated it to Karl."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank."

Mary: "Not anymore. But years ago, he would talk to SOME people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank is always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says, 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows THOSE things are right, so the rest must be true also."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the earth or from outer space ... so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "Not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes. But we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do. Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so; the list is right because Hank dictated it; and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic. It's no different from saying 'Hank is right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you understand! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But ... oh, never mind. What's the deal with weiners?"

Mary: [She blushes.]

John: "Weiners. In buns. No condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no weiner. A weiner without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No mustard?"

Mary: [She looks positively stricken.]

John: [Shouting] "THERE'S NO NEED FOR SUCH LANGUAGE! Condiments of any kind are WRONG!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some weiners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: [Sticks her fingers in her ears.] "I'm not listening to this!!!! La la la la la la la la ..."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that!!!"

Me: "But it's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: [She faints.]

John: [He catches Mary.] "Well, if I'd known you were one of THOSE, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there, counting my money and laughing, you bunless cut-weinered kraut-eater!!!"